My thoughts

Transparency – What it means to me

Yesterday I read a post in which was listed 22 things the person did not understand about the world. I commented on this post promising to write an article regarding one of the items the person did not understand. I agreed with 99% of the items on this list, as I myself have often wondered at such ideas. There was just one subject in which I felt I could try to shed some light on for this fellow blogger.

  • people who are too open – maybe that’s my introversy talking, but I really don’t understand how some people can be so blatantly open. It baffles me

You see, I am one of these people that are “too open.” I bare it all and wear my heart on my sleeve to boot. I am not ashamed of telling my life story, past history, events that have occurred, experiences I have had whether good, bad, happy, sad, embarrassing, or indifferent. I let it all out. I do not think I even have the ability to hold it in. Talking about my life is just one of those things that come as natural to me as breathing air.

I do often times run into people, my very own family included, that are bothered by my willingness to share. As I state in my about me section, I grew up in a family and an era where sharing was taboo. You just did not do it. You kept things in, you hid things. You did not slander the family name or make your family look bad in front of others. This can be summed up with the phrases:

  • Behind closed doors
  • sweep it under the rug
  • skeletons in the closet

As I grew up and matured and became my own person, keeping things in just did not make very much moral sense to me when I was also being taught never to lie, that you get farther with the truth than you do with a lie, that lying is a sin and I would be punished for it. These values I was supposed to hold dear and stick too were in stark contradiction to keeping things hidden or holding them in. To me, it was basically lying!

I started to pay attention to not only other’s actions but their words as well. The key here is that I observed so much perversion and little white lies out of everyone I met that it boggled my mind and warped my sense of morals and values. I became distraught, withdrawn and very confused as I myself tried to figure out who I was or better said, who I wanted to be in this life. Did I want to be like everyone else and follow the walking, talking contradiction? Did I want to follow the morals and values that had been drilled into my head as a child? Was there a middle ground somewhere that would allow me to do and be both?

For years I walked around jumping this fence back and forth to one side or the other. The grass was always greener on the other side. I started to lose a part of myself that I actually liked, admired and wanted to be. The more I strayed from being open and hid away from the world and the people in it, the more I hated who I was and began to have self-doubt. I allowed this self-destructive behavior to rule over me and began to allow abusive people into my life. Like a good little minion, I hid my abuse from others. I kept it quiet, I lied about it. I had forgotten all about the morals and values, had no compass and just accepted that this is how life was supposed to be. I began to believe that I deserved this abuse because of my lies. It was a CATCH 22, A CIRCLE WITH NO END.

It became a way of life so deeply ingrained I could not see a way out of it until a series of events happened to me (those are for a different day), that quite literally woke me up. What I will say about these events without taking up too much of your time today and straying off subject is that, in the span of one year (YES, that is right all of this in ONE YEAR), I had lost my husband, found out I was pregnant again, lost the baby, had a mental breakdown and checked myself into a mental hospital, lost my house and all our worldly possessions, lost my grandmother, sent my son to live with his father, and ended up in a very abusive relationship where I was manipulated and physically and verbally abused to the point the man came at me with a saw in front of my daughter to try and kill me lied to the police about it and said I had hit him, and I was arrested for calling them thinking they would protect me or help me. FYI: The charges were thrown out of court and dropped but I did get booked and spent a night in jail instead of a hospital where I should have been. How is that for being too open?

If this was not enough to wake me up and lead me back to my morals and values, man I tell you …. NOTHING would. 

Here’s what I now believe and hold very dear to my heart. I follow this as my ultimate guide to life and how I should live it on a day to day basis.

In order to have skeletons in the closet, you must have secrets. Having secrets means you must hide something and omit it from reality or lie about it to cover it up. One little white lie leads to another, and another, and another until the truth is so twisted even you yourself do not remember it. Which then in your brain becomes truth as you know it or reality as you know it.

Ask any politician and they will tell you that EVERYTHING comes out in the wash sooner or later. You cannot hide from, run from, cover up or omit the truth. Somehow, someday, at some point in time, especially in this digital age where everything is online for anyone to get ahold of, the truth will come out. So why hide anything? Why try to hold secrets? Why does anyone lie? It makes no sense at all.

A true story for you, I am a gamer. I have a PS4 and like to chat online with the people I play my games with. These people sometimes become friends. You share certain tidbits of information with them and guess what happens? Some of them start searching for your online presence even going as far as to not just google you but to use truth finders and such. Yes, this happened to me just two days ago. It does not and did not bother me. Wait, yes, it did bother me that this person I call a friend did this but only because I am an open person. If that person who had done this had just asked, I would have told them all they wanted to know without hesitation. Yes, they told me they did this after the fact, and yes, they openly shared information about me including my real full name in a chat with others. My point here is not what they did, but that if people want to know the truth, they will obtain that information via any means necessary with or without your permission.

So again, I state, WHY NOT BE AN OPEN PERSON? If you tell all and don’t mind putting it all out there, then there is nothing in this world that will come back to hurt you or harm you at any point in life. It’s all out there and you are open and honest about it. You own up to the good the bad and the ugly. You face it head on and remain dignified, confident in yourself and gain respect from others while you are at it.

Another reason to share your story is to remove yourself from the victim mindset that so many fall prey too. When you are open and honest about things that happen to you, a remarkable thing called HEALING begins inside of you. You become a survivor. You no longer seek pity, remorse, empathy, or understanding from others. Instead, you take back control of the situation. Your life becomes more than it was. Instead of some horrible event that happened to you pulling you down and causing deep-seeded trauma, You OWN the situation. You are then allowed the freedom within yourself to let go of it, toss it out, cast it aside, burn it up and move on from it. What a wonderful thing to have happen after a negative event.

But the most important reason to be open and share all without hiding anything is to help others. If even just one person sees, reads, or hears even one event that has happened to you or one part of your story and is moved by it, inspired by it or touched by it … then it is well worth it. Being open means helping others know they are not alone in this world. It means sharing emotions and connections with others. It builds trust in relationships of any nature. It builds lifelong bonds and friendships. Most of all it starts a chain of healing that is unparalleled to any other. Even more so than the pay it forward kindness chain we all know and love.

 

 

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2 replies »

  1. after reading your post I feel like I understand a little bit better where you are coming from. I respect your opinion obviously while I too try to be as open as possible, but I have learned over the years that some people care and some don’t, and I figured out what to tell to who, I talk openly about my feelings and the situation that is going on in my personal life, but to those who care. I could never be able to just blur it out to someone I know for a few months. Maybe that is just me, idk 🙂

    I am truly and deeply sorry for that you had to go through in this past year, I don’t know if I would have survived such shit and it made me realize my shit is not as big as yours 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    • It was not this year that I went through all of this, but rather, in the span of a year, all of this happened. I am sorry for not making that clear in my article.
      As far as someone else’s shit being bigger than any other person’s, please remember we all MATTER. What we go through is not to be discounted by another person’s troubles or experiences. Our lives matter, our emotions, feelings, viewpoints, and opinions matter.
      I share openly because to me, it does not make a difference if it is someone who does or does not care about my life. It will either make a difference to them or it wont. That is on them to respond or react however they feel fit. But just like giving a dollar to someone on the street, once that information, money or exchange takes place, my part is done. The burden then lies on the other person to do what they will with the information, knowledge or whatever the case may be. If what I share helps, great, awesome and wonderful. If it does not, then at least I put my best foot forward and tried. I can sleep well at night knowing I made an effort.

      I am not a victim, I am a survivor! I hold the power to share my story, my way. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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